Addiction...

                                                                                              Today I wanna talk about addiction. I have a 32 yr old daughter who has lost two of her children, her apartment, her car, her life....she lives with me with her youngest daughter. This has been going on for almost a year. At one point last summer i threw her out and she was on the streets for three months. i raised her kids until their father went to court and took them. They are in a good, structured environment.  The youngest has a different father who lives in Georgia.  I have learned so much about addicts in the last year.  they are cunning, manipulative, best liars in the free world . I have learned what enabling is and have done it so many times, but i am slowly drawing lines and boundaries.  She has a job got fired because money was missing.....that is a common occurrence when she is present, money just disappears mysteriously.  She has me convinced she was off the heroin and just taking suboxin to ween herself off, well dumass me was fooled and she shot up, over dosed in a parking lot, was turning blue and not breathing when the paramedics finally got there and gave her narcon. I still dont think i have allowed myself to deal with that .....it could have ended so different in a matter of minutes.  So her boyfriend, who has been in jail for being a heroin deal and has went thru and extenstive rehab program in a prison, he is getting out in the next few days and will be moving in here.....AM I FUCKING NUTS????   well yes actually i am a little nuts and this is making me crazier then i already am.  i dont want him here...I dont want her here anymore, i cant take much more of be used and taken advantage of.  i still grieve for the daughter i used to have that was so organized, a good mother and a productive member of society.....that person is gone............later...

Temporary Emotions

For years I did this on a regular basis.....and then would have a lot of regret which sucks big time. Having mental illness since being a teenager has given me lots of time to figure out how to somewhat control this issue.  I usually stay alone for a few days and chew on it until i am ready to address the situation without a temporary emotion.

I have been really in a funky funk lately, came on all of a sudden.....was gonna take my klonopins and pull a Whitney Houston in the tub......i have and wonderful brother, and my sister who also suffers mental illness are the best support system i have.  To change the subject, i really hope no one cares about caps and perfect punctuation because when i get to typing i just go for it and dont wanna mess with all that.

I really hope this blog reaches people like me,  want people to know they arent alone. and i just need to say what i feel and cuss like a sailor and just get out my anger...enough for now......later.... 

Crazy In the Head

What can we say about mental illness? I know that a lot of people think "its all in your head" well fuck you ......yes it is duh.......to live in my mind, to fight back an forth like there are two totally different people in there is exhausting.  I hate taking pharmaceuticals, however I do because I am not good without them.   I take klonopins for anxiety, but marijuana works much better.  But pharm companies dont want ya to know that cuz that dips into their wallets.  oh well......i stay in bed a lot lately, have no desire to go anywhere or do anything....I do have major stress in my house that will be in another post ......later..

Jaedyn's 1st bday

Yesterday was my third grand childs 1st birthday. My children are throwing these babies at me like softballs. lol. She had a wonderful time with her cake as you can see. We had to take it from her or she would have eaten the whole damn thing. Happy Birthday Jaedyn, my only blue eyed baby. I wish you many, many more happy years!

A dog and her baby

Our black lab Agatha loves babies. She has really taken a shine to the newest member of the the family Emma. She follows her everywhere. She nudges people with her nose when she cries. She even got in a mouthy argument with Emma's mom the other evening over whose baby that was. Kristin would say this is my baby and Agatha would say......"bowwowgrumblegrowl" lol.

Please meet Emma Grace

This is Emma Grace my newest grand baby. She was born on April 20 2009. She weighed 6lbs 11 oz and was 18 in. long. Mommy and baby are doing great. Big sister and big brother are trying to adjust. Big sister is adjusting much better then big brother because big brother was a momma's baby and now he is jealous!!!!

Grand canyon 08

Last week I got to spend a couple days at a remarkable place. The Grand Canyon. It lives up to its name too. Eddie and I hiked alot but not to the bottom. Although, we have decided next year we are going to get in shape for it and do it.

It had the same affect on me as the ocean I noticed. It made me cry the first time I saw it and it was very hard to leave. I took 126 pics of this place. None of them are the same.
I will post some of the other pics on another post as I still DONT know what the hell I am doing on this blog and I didnt even pick these particular pics.