Blog Archive

Monday, March 20, 2017


Play "Today's The Day"
on Amazon Music
"Today's The Day"

Better pack your bags and run
Or stay until the job is done
Or maybe you can sit and hope
That providence will fray the rope
And sink like a stone
Or go it alone

And isn't it enough - for you?
Isn't it enough?

So better pack your bags and run
And send it to oblivion
Where you don't look like anyone
That anyone would care about
And do what you do
'Til it buries you

And isn't it enough - for you?
Isn't it enough?

And baby - isn't it enough?
Like Major Reno at the bluff
Wondering aloud if help is on the way
And baby, isn't this your chance
To make a break with circumstance
Isn't it enough to prove today's the day?
Isn't it enough to prove today's the day?

Hello, this my friends is my daughter who is a heroin addict but thinks taking saboxin, which is suppose to withdraw you heroin but now she is hooked on that, steals, lies, takes advantage.  I have her 13 yr old daughter crying saying she dont feel like she has a mom any more.......has me hide her purse so her mom cant steal money........the youngest that lives here asked me how come mommy never stays home.....idk emma i just dont heart breaks for my babies and i have been pretty damn strong for almost a year now losing my withdrawing from everyone, crying, wanting to sleep all the time, no money to do anything with them while they are here.......So what's a mother to do, my two options are a. throw her out of my house and let her learn to deal with life herself or b. keep her close to help steer her the right direction which is not happening very fast.  It is very hard to live with a toxic person especially when that person is your daughter.  My mood disorders don't help me handle things very well and it is starting to get harder and harder to maintain my mental state.  I would love to hear from other people who struggle with a loved ones addiction.  I would love to hear from anyone that struggles with mental illness.......I am reaching out here....for help and to help if i can.......blessed be

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Ides of March......

The Ides of March is a day on the Roman calendar that corresponds to 15 March. It was marked by several religious observances and became notorious as the date of the assassination of Julius Caesar in 44 BC.

And that will be our history lesson today, the reason i remember this day is because i had a breast reduction on this day 4 yrs ago and people teased me calling my new boobs the "Ides of March" haha...............Yes i am random and i am blunt and to the point...

yesterday was a pretty good bday. my sister and mother took me out to eat and gave me some goodies. My son and his daughter called me, i figured he would forget lol .  Daughter didnt give a rats ass that it was my birthday ...all day it was "mom mom mother mom mom mother" like stewie on family guy .......and always let me "borrow"  $20 every other day and borrow is laughable because i never get it back.  i so need a break from her so is so hard to love an addict, they are so self absorbed it is ridiculous and I give in just so I dont have to hear her whine. which is really a pathetic, enabling, mess....

By now I am sure you can tell im a rock fan.....old rock, good music, music they dont make anymore.  I can always burst out in song lyrics to fit any given situation :)  it runs in the family.  That also applies to movie quotes lol. 

i think all my ramblings has quieted inside my head for the moment therefore i shall say .....later....

Tuesday, March 14, 2017


Does anyone read my rants?  I know sometimes they make no sense to anyone but me.....please let me know if you hear me out there.....

Is it bad that I want to run away for a month and just be alone ?  I have so much stress, my daughter is all about her running my car to death, already ruined one every though she wont own up to it.  She has me in debt so bad we can barely eat, my husband who is not related to her blood wise has put up with so much from her. I am surprised he hasnt ran away. So far today had a flat tire, almost didnt have enough for electric bill but that worked out thank god. 
I am so ready to dig in the dirt. I also need to see the ocean so bad it just transforms me.. god i love this place no matter what ocean, although the pacific is much more powerful. I was lucky enough to take a trip down pacific coast highway thru California and Oregon   and it was one of the best times i have had in my life.

I believe this was taken at corpus....whatever  Texas lol I didnt like texas too much, this was the most exciting thing i seen. my birth mother and I went to see hubs while he was stationed somewhere in that god forsaken place haha

I want to move to the west so bad, there is a led zepplin song that says :

Inner Child

Yeah how??? This is a great question one of which I have no answer......Happy Birthday to my six year old grandfather passed the day after that birthday, maybe that is when the hate started....

Happy Birthday to me

🎈💀❤  So 54 yrs ago I came screaming into this world as the bastard child of Naomi Weddle.....hey it was the sixties i know the labels and i except that. What a life i have had , i have got to raise two children with their father, had 0pen heart surgery, survived 13 yrs later, i have a 13 yr old grand daughter that is my soul mate . i married a man who took me all over the us and showed me things i never dreamed i would ever see. so yes i have had a very blessed life.  I know all this but the crazy in my mind wont cooperate with me. I am constantly uncomfortable in my own skin every day. i never would have dreamed that i would have lived this long. I am a much stronger woman then i give myself credit for. i do however, have a hard time letting go of the past it is just something that pops up all the time and i go into the woulda , coulda, shouldas........that takes you no where.

I worry about everything, my kids, my grandkids, the world, my husband, etc...... i am really surprised that my heart hasnt given me problems. my bedroom is my sanctuary. i never want to leave.  I just wanna be lost in my mind and not absorb any one's energy.

My mental illness rared its ugly kid as a teen when i would cut myself and have rages that i would ram my head thru glass doors.  it was considered bad behavior but it was a cry for help that i never got because of the tmes.  that is when i turned to drugs and alcohol.  i was popular, funny, and people loved least i thought they did.  

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Ramblings, mumbles, and things that just come to my head.....

I am still very new at this blogging thing... I don't know if i am just talking to myself or if anyone else sees this but it feels therapeutic to me. My brain is constantly going, never stops. I can barely watch tv shows all the way thru without my mind wondering. 
I spend a lot of time in my bedroom, I get that honestly from my birth mother, my sister does it too. it just seems like "my" space with my vibes and energy. I hate when people {except my hubby} come piling in my bed which everyone loves. 
I live in the woods, i took a walk the other day down to the creek or as i pronounce it [crick]  it has rained enough lately that it had small water falls...was peaceful back there, i need to do that more often.  I love nature, nature is God to me. I love earthing, bare feet on the earth taking in the energy, i love diggin in the dirt with bare hands to plant things, I get amazed how you plant something and it grows and gives back so much pleasure whether it be beauty or food or medicine....
I can be in such a good mood and something stressful happens and snap my mood is gone and im hateful and feel like my skin is crawling and i just want everyone to stay away.  I had a job about a year ago and it was perfect for me, i was treated like i was normal i could handle the people , then it got to where i was working all the time over time, it was spose to be a part time job and became my life.  I was having "attitude problem" as he put it and fired me. I never called in sick. i worked my ass for them and customers liked me. this was discriminating due to the fact he never offered me anything to help me get my shit together like cut hours ..etc... it crushed me. i thought i was part of their family, they would always help me out with food and such , i thought i was liked but they say i use my mental illness to get away with everything and I still dont know what i was trying to get away with when the whole problem in the first place was me not being able to "fake" a smile or happy mood.  when you are bipolar, borderline personality disorder, sometimes i take on way too much neg energy of those around me and then i become hardened and distant and dont feel like smiling....and that is why i was fired.....because i had a couple bad moody weeks and he couldnt handle it or just didnt care, at least i showed up. i wish i wish i wish that i could be understood best friend of over 40 yrs dont get it either. My husband if very supportive as in my brother and sister thank goodness....i need a therapist very badly, someone that knows how the brain reg doctor, or nurse practitioner Ann is it for me but she does not know as much about mental illness...she did find my heart prob and probably saved my life thank god. ok enought rambling on im sleepy my brain wears me does my meds....ugh......later