Ramblings, mumbles, and things that just come to my head.....

I am still very new at this blogging thing... I don't know if i am just talking to myself or if anyone else sees this but it feels therapeutic to me. My brain is constantly going, never stops. I can barely watch tv shows all the way thru without my mind wondering. 
I spend a lot of time in my bedroom, I get that honestly from my birth mother, my sister does it too. it just seems like "my" space with my vibes and energy. I hate when people {except my hubby} come piling in my bed which everyone loves. 
I live in the woods, i took a walk the other day down to the creek or as i pronounce it [crick]  it has rained enough lately that it had small water falls...was peaceful back there, i need to do that more often.  I love nature, nature is God to me. I love earthing, bare feet on the earth taking in the energy, i love diggin in the dirt with bare hands to plant things, I get amazed how you plant something and it grows and gives back so much pleasure whether it be beauty or food or medicine....
I can be in such a good mood and something stressful happens and snap my mood is gone and im hateful and feel like my skin is crawling and i just want everyone to stay away.  I had a job about a year ago and it was perfect for me, i was treated like i was normal i could handle the people , then it got to where i was working all the time over time, it was spose to be a part time job and became my life.  I was having "attitude problem" as he put it and fired me. I never called in sick. i worked my ass for them and customers liked me. this was discriminating due to the fact he never offered me anything to help me get my shit together like cut hours ..etc... it crushed me. i thought i was part of their family, they would always help me out with food and such , i thought i was liked but they say i use my mental illness to get away with everything and I still dont know what i was trying to get away with when the whole problem in the first place was me not being able to "fake" a smile or happy mood.  when you are bipolar, borderline personality disorder, sometimes i take on way too much neg energy of those around me and then i become hardened and distant and dont feel like smiling....and that is why i was fired.....because i had a couple bad moody weeks and he couldnt handle it or just didnt care, at least i showed up. i wish i wish i wish that i could be understood better....my best friend of over 40 yrs dont get it either. My husband if very supportive as in my brother and sister thank goodness....i need a therapist very badly, someone that knows how the brain works....my reg doctor, or nurse practitioner Ann is it for me but she does not know as much about mental illness...she did find my heart prob and probably saved my life thank god. ok enought rambling on im sleepy my brain wears me out....as does my meds....ugh......later

 

Addiction...

                                                                                              Today I wanna talk about addiction. I have a 32 yr old daughter who has lost two of her children, her apartment, her car, her life....she lives with me with her youngest daughter. This has been going on for almost a year. At one point last summer i threw her out and she was on the streets for three months. i raised her kids until their father went to court and took them. They are in a good, structured environment.  The youngest has a different father who lives in Georgia.  I have learned so much about addicts in the last year.  they are cunning, manipulative, best liars in the free world . I have learned what enabling is and have done it so many times, but i am slowly drawing lines and boundaries.  She has a job got fired because money was missing.....that is a common occurrence when she is present, money just disappears mysteriously.  She has me convinced she was off the heroin and just taking suboxin to ween herself off, well dumass me was fooled and she shot up, over dosed in a parking lot, was turning blue and not breathing when the paramedics finally got there and gave her narcon. I still dont think i have allowed myself to deal with that .....it could have ended so different in a matter of minutes.  So her boyfriend, who has been in jail for being a heroin deal and has went thru and extenstive rehab program in a prison, he is getting out in the next few days and will be moving in here.....AM I FUCKING NUTS????   well yes actually i am a little nuts and this is making me crazier then i already am.  i dont want him here...I dont want her here anymore, i cant take much more of be used and taken advantage of.  i still grieve for the daughter i used to have that was so organized, a good mother and a productive member of society.....that person is gone............later...

Temporary Emotions

For years I did this on a regular basis.....and then would have a lot of regret which sucks big time. Having mental illness since being a teenager has given me lots of time to figure out how to somewhat control this issue.  I usually stay alone for a few days and chew on it until i am ready to address the situation without a temporary emotion.

I have been really in a funky funk lately, came on all of a sudden.....was gonna take my klonopins and pull a Whitney Houston in the tub......i have and wonderful brother, and my sister who also suffers mental illness are the best support system i have.  To change the subject, i really hope no one cares about caps and perfect punctuation because when i get to typing i just go for it and dont wanna mess with all that.

I really hope this blog reaches people like me,  want people to know they arent alone. and i just need to say what i feel and cuss like a sailor and just get out my anger...enough for now......later.... 

Crazy In the Head

What can we say about mental illness? I know that a lot of people think "its all in your head" well fuck you ......yes it is duh.......to live in my mind, to fight back an forth like there are two totally different people in there is exhausting.  I hate taking pharmaceuticals, however I do because I am not good without them.   I take klonopins for anxiety, but marijuana works much better.  But pharm companies dont want ya to know that cuz that dips into their wallets.  oh well......i stay in bed a lot lately, have no desire to go anywhere or do anything....I do have major stress in my house that will be in another post ......later..

Jaedyn's 1st bday

Yesterday was my third grand childs 1st birthday. My children are throwing these babies at me like softballs. lol. She had a wonderful time with her cake as you can see. We had to take it from her or she would have eaten the whole damn thing. Happy Birthday Jaedyn, my only blue eyed baby. I wish you many, many more happy years!

A dog and her baby

Our black lab Agatha loves babies. She has really taken a shine to the newest member of the the family Emma. She follows her everywhere. She nudges people with her nose when she cries. She even got in a mouthy argument with Emma's mom the other evening over whose baby that was. Kristin would say this is my baby and Agatha would say......"bowwowgrumblegrowl" lol.

Please meet Emma Grace

This is Emma Grace my newest grand baby. She was born on April 20 2009. She weighed 6lbs 11 oz and was 18 in. long. Mommy and baby are doing great. Big sister and big brother are trying to adjust. Big sister is adjusting much better then big brother because big brother was a momma's baby and now he is jealous!!!!